Burnt It Down

Last week was a disaster, I sent my phone for a repair. So basically last week was I-got-no-phone-with-me-I-need-it-so-badly-I'm-bored kind of week. My friends and relatives couldn't contact me but I asked them to whatsapp my little brother if anything important or urgent. He was kind of pissed off because some of my friends whatsapp-ed him (to chat with me) and it was not an important or urgent stuff. Haha who cares? Sorry but not sorry brother, that's what happen when I dont have my phone with me. You will always be the victim (thank you bytheway). You have no idea how much thankful I am when I still have my laptop with me. Atleast I could watch my favorite tv series or movies and online or shop online! It's weird when it is kind of my thing now, lol 'online shopping'. 

But it still sucks that I couldn't reach or talk to my friends for the whole week. And I hate it when some of them called my house phone! My house phone and I are not good friend. We sort of hate each other. No really first, I am too lazy to get my ass downstairs to take the phone and secondly, of course I hate the fact that I have to go downstairs to put it back (oh no you dont want to hear my mum nags just because we leave the house phone in our room). But that is not the point, my point is I was so bored until I decided to cook (of course i dont cook often), learn how to play hey soul sister song using ukulele (and it didn't turned out well, sigh i need personal teacher for this), read storybooks (i dont really enjoy reading books, but i love to read books online lol im weird) and last but not least read my old diary. I'm kidding, there was something else I did but I barely remember.

I felt a bit of nostalgia when I go through my old diary book. It's not really that old but I stopped writing since 2013 and that was two years ago. It really bothers me when I read the diary, all I wrote was about the sad or bad moments in my previous life. I couldn't recall my actual feelings were back then but I can tell from some of the stories, I was someone who depressed and lack of self-confidence. Worst, I hate the fact that there was none of happy stories in it. But whatever, past is past. Let bygones be bygones, there is no point of reading your old diary book bytheway if it will slowly take away your happy thoughts and positive vibes. Some said, "you can't start the next chapter in you life, if you keep re-reading the last one". I told myself that I should not regret of my past but learn from it and dont let my past rule my future. That is why now, I realised that there is no point of jotting those feelings down on a piece of paper but the correct way is tell your problems and express your feelings to God. Complain to Him. Cry to Him. Because by the end of the day, He is the only one who can help you. 

So last week I decided to tore some pages of my diary book into pieces and burnt it down. It might seem a bit cliche but I was satisfied. No reason, just, satisfied. 

If I Get The Chance

Every second is a chance to turn your life around. Sometimes we have to take a chance because we never know how perfect something might turn out. I always said to myself that if I get the chance to do things that I like, I would do it with all my heart. Because you never know when you will get the same chance again and sometimes some people just don't appreciate the chance that they got. Chance is something that once in a blue moon. 

So yesterday, it was raining heavily. As I sit in my room, I decided to open my window so that I can hear the sound of the rain and enjoy nature. At the same time, I was having soooo many thoughts in my head. It's like I was making conversation between my head, my heart and myself. Since  I am still in the process of 'growing up', of course there are so many things that I would love to do if I get the chance to do so.

I was thinking if I get the chance to have some extra time in the future whether at that moment I'm studying in university or I'm working, I want to visit my parents and my grandmothers so that you know, the bonding would still be there. We sometimes forget that as we grow older, our parents and grandparents also getting older. So every single day I pray to God that don't let me be among the adult who forget the meaning of family even how busy I am with my own lives.

If I get the chance, I'd like to escape from this dull world for a while. I would like to ride upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame! We can't deny that nature makes us feel peaceful. I would go to some private ocean that only a few people know it exists and just sit in my car with a coffee while watching and listening to the ocean waves repeatedly crash on to the beach and feel a sense of calm. For me, life is too short for us to stress about the hectic lives that we are living now. Sometimes I feel so sick of humans too. So yes, if I get the chance to be away from the 'reality' for a moment, I would take it. 

This might sound crazy and not make any sense but if I get the chance to be invisible in one week, I would. Just a random thought. I really want to know what people say and think of me when I am not around them or what would they feel if I suddently disappear. And I would probably stalk my idol's life, follow her to everywhere she goes, hangout at her house and pretend that I am part of her life. Okay that sounds creepy but that would be so much fun I gurantee! Also, I will help people and do good things without their knowing. So everyone can live happily ever after lol. I would travel wherever I want to go and complete my wishlists too, hm if only. But you know this is just some of it, there are many other things that I would do. As crazy as it sounds, but it is the chance that almost all of us want it. 

If you get the chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.

Changed

Lately, my girlfriends and I talk about our future but mostly it's all about the common girly things. Like who is going to marry first, how our bridal shower would be, who is that special someone, what would our future apartment look like, are we going to be housemates (because trust me it would be disaster, our future neighbours might be sick of our craziness), what is the theme for our wedding, what would we name our first child, how many wordrobes we will have and so sooo much more! Until at some point I told them, 

"guys, i think we are getting older"

Get Over It

Basically last week was my bad-frustrating-sad-emotional days. All blend in. Actually its all started when I got back from Holy Land. You know the feeling when you've been away from your siblings for a long time (11 days is quite long for me lol), you just miss to hang out with them or argue with them or even fight with each other for the sakes of tv remote control. To sum up everything, you can say that I am looking forward to see them when I got back. But it was totally opposite for my siblings (not surprise). Some of them really got into my nerve with their attitude and words. Trust me I am not a cranky kind of person, I dont easily get offended by words. Sarcastic dont work on me too, sometimes. But I dont know why at that moment, I am hurt by her/his (obviously im not going to tell whether its my sister or brother) words. I was so speechless too. But whatever, its true what they said no matter how hard you try, you cant hate your own siblings for so long. You will get back together in the end. So, I decided to let it go and get over it. 

"Ugh whatever, dont let this small matter ruin your day, A! 

Just dont. Chin up and live your life"

I said that to myself.

Love Advice

It has been a very crappy day for me since yesterday. I didnt spend my time whatsapp-ing with my friends plus I dont even have the mood to talk to anyone. But I dont want to ruin anybody's mood just because of my crappy day (well, I hope I didnt) So I tried my best to reply cheerfully as I can and keep the conversation going so that my friends wont notice  my you-dont-sound-okay mood. So basically, the past few days was actually a me-time days. I didnt go out for movies or hang out with my friends, just spend time at home. Well the weather was scorching hot outside so I think I am glad that I chose to stay in the house though.

So yeah, where was I?

Brave

I am confused whether people are taking advantages of me or I am really that weak? Sometimes I wonder is this my true self, why am I not brave enough to stand up for myself or even speak out? As I'm tired of being hurt, I still cant manage to be brave for some stuffs. I dont know if being a good person is a weakness or a benefit for me. You know when you are good, people love you. But at some point people use that to stab you from the back. I did not say that I am a good person, I can be mean sometimes depends on how you treat me and how your attitude towards me. But my 'evil' self can only stands for a few minutes before I regret of what I said or do. 

New Room

Its like stepping into a new room. Different people, different feelings. I dont even know whether this is normal or not, losing people that I once care about at this young age. You know people dont want you in her/his life anymore when they keep pushing you away. But now I realised that its not worth to fight for. As I grow older, I decided to let things go even it kills me inside. Deep, in the inside. Because they said, "when you keep on pushing people away, you will end up to be alone." So I decided to just stand in the middle doing nothing while people around me come and go. Well its their choice.